Can't you read?

He popped the question and she said yes.

Now where's that damn morning suit?

- Was achieved.

Let me explain, Binky.

All the presents had been opened, Christmas dinner had been served and an ad-hoc game of poker had been won.

I was forty quid up.

The brother had gone to deliver presents to his girlfriend (and soon to be fiance) and the parents had gone to have tea with the older sibling and niece.

And I was all alone in the house.

It was 6.55pm and the feeling of anticipation had been growing all day.

I kicked back in the leather recliner and cranked up the volume to eleven.

And at 7.00pm on BBC1, on Christmas Day 2005 we were introduced to the tenth Doctor, David Tennent.

And he was good.

I had had reservations as Christopher Eccleston had done such a sterling job in the role and the little I had seen of David Tennant had left me with doubts.

As the credits rolled I nolonger had doubts, just a genuine feeling of excitement for what I had just watched and for the forthcoming season.

And I had watched it undisturbed and in the glow of the fire and christmas tree lights, with a brandy and mince pie.

Well, two mince pies.

I'm walking back from the pub with my younger brother Jason.

It's christmas eve and there is a heavy, dense, fog that creates an atmosphere of a fairy tale, which is entirely fitting for the night.

As we walk down the country lane, naked tree's are illuminated like skeletons as the odd car drives carefully passed us.

We've had a good night, beer and vodka in font of a fire and a christmas cd on the jukebox that has repeated too many times.

Each song beating us into submission to have a good time at christmas no matter what,the irony being that the likes of Roy,Noddy and Cliff actually make christmas unbearable.

Oh Cliff, when are you going to come out of the closet?

So my brother tells me that he wants to tell me something, but it has to be secret.

Okay I say. My curiosity piqued.

Christ, maybe I'm not the only Mary in the family after all.

How uncomfortable would that be?

So after a lot of reassurance from me he tells me that he is taking his girlfriend off to Sweden for New Years.

And?

Why all the secerecy I wonder.

He goes on to say that once in Sweden, they will fly out to the Ice hotel in Oslo (?) and he hopes to ask her to marry him under the northern lights.

Fucking Wow.

He's planned everything down to the last detail and the only other person to know is my mother.

Wow again.

We have not always got along and I'm as much to blame for that as he his, in fact I am probably more to blame.

Middle child syndrome.

Yadda yadda. I've dealt.

And I felt quite proud that he had confided in me and it was a measurement how far we had come as brothers.

And what a romantic gesture to make!

He has been going out with his girlfriend for nearly ten years now.

Which is longer than most straight marriages.

And about ten times as long as the average homo relationship.

He's a great guy and I hope he gets to ask the question under the magnificent light show of the aurora.

She'll say yes.

I know it.

It wasn't Man City, lazer brain.

It was the other one...

YOU figure it out.

Sheesh! I have to do all the work around here!

I watched 'Manhatten' recently and the opening sequence of the New York skyline in black and white set 'Rhapsody in Blue' is the most amazing film moment I think I have ever seen.

I saw the film when I was in my teens but I don't remember it having such a profound effect on me.

It was jaw droppingly gut wrenchingly bittersweet,enhanced by the voice over from Woody Allen.

Woody's da bomb.

I tend to stumble across things.

Movies, books, comics..whatever.

I stumbled across a comic called 'Marvel Zombies'

Man this is a hoot!

Imagine your favourite Avengers, all zombies and Magneto is the only human.

But he doesn't last long before he's on the menu and the likes of the Hulk, Thor,Capt America and Spiderman chow down on MagnetoBurrito!!

The best is the Hulk, he takes a whole leg and then turns back into David Banner.

The leg being too big for his non-hulk sized stomach promptly burst through!!!

But that's not the end of it.

Thor starts to eat the leg as it hangs out of Banner!!

Frickin' hilarious!

Chinese Kareoke.

The office and a couple of other departments went out for christmas dinner and drinks on Saturday night.

We didn't go abnywhere too fancy, but the food was good and the beer flowed, a good time was had by all.

And I thought at one point during a privare, reflective moment, that these were good people.

The best.

There was a secret santa, and for mine I bought an ashtray that boldy proclaims ''I love fags''.

If you have the means I suggest you invest in one, they are so choice.

Toward the end of the night one of the concierge tried to round up recruits to go along to a chinese kareoke.

The mind boggles.

I'm sitting at work and I'm thinking on my canadian friend.

I know he's going to have a dull christmas as he is not going to family this year, for reasons that are not fair to mention here.

And I like this guy, when we chat via Yahoo, I enjoy it.

We shoot the shit and often he'll send over a profile from bearwww or bear411, remarking on how lame some of these guys are.

For example, guys who use any of the following phrases in their profile should be avoided like a used condom in a nunnery;

''I don't bite...only if you ask'' LAME

''I'm drama free..so you be too'' LAME

A simple ''GRRRRRRRR'' LAME (your not a real bear asshole..use words!!)

But the absolute worst, the lowest of the low, bottom of the barrel when no more can be scraped is a picture of a sexy, bear guy holding a dog/cat with the following caption;

''Me with my/our babies''

Holy Fuck.

If I was hard for the guy before, I'm limp after reading that shit.

Anyway, I'm thinking on him and I have a pretty crap christmas card to send across the Atlantic and I'm kinda embarassed by it 'cause this little piece of folded card isn't going to make him feel better.

Somebody puts their head into the office and announces that the 'group' will be arriving shortly.

The group.

Inspiration strikes.

I pick up the card and leave the office and walk over to our security guy and ask him for a special favour as he is familiar with the 'group'.

He agrees, even though it would break one of the unwritten rules of the hotel.

Later when the card is returned to me I look upon the signatures it now carries.

WOW.

I write my own dedication and seal it in the envelope and hurry to the post office.

So the worst was this;

1999 Dublin, Ireland.

I've been in the country less than a month and I'm crashing on the floor of 2 friends of mine, Cormac and Natalie.

Literally on the floor as the flat was so tiny.

Cormac was a bit of an Irish tearaway and Natlie was the quintessential english rose, very proper.

She still had a pony at her fathers farm in Essex.

They've gone home to Nat's parents in England so I have the flat to myself.

I wake at three after sleeping the day, recovering from a busy night shift at the Berkely Court Hotel.

A night filled with drunks and abuse.

I was night manager.

Anyway...

I have no food in the house so I pour a bowl of 'Coco Pops'.

I sit down and as I do I catch my reflection in the window opposite and I wish myself Merry Christmas.

I dare not think of all the festivities at home right now, of the Turkey dinner my mother would have cooked, with the crispiest roast potatoes...

I turn the TV on and munch on the cereal.

And the best was this;

2004 Manchester, England.

The goose was nice. It tasted sweet, like duck, but richer.

The hotel restaurant was not busy at all and we all sat down to a nice lunch.

My mother and stepfather were stayng in the hotel and I allocated them a Penthouse.

One of the perks of working Christmas.

After lunch and coffee we all retired to the suite to exchange presents - mine had been bought in a rush the day before.

Thank you, Debenhams.

We had drinks and beers, played a few hands of cards.

At about 8pm it began to snow and in one of those very rare moments of family harmony, we sat in the penthouse on the fourteenth floor and watched the snow gently drift down over Manchester on Christmas day.

n

Doodling.

I doodle.

I sit in meetings and while the agenda is being conquered, topic by topic, i sit there quietly and doodle.

I doodle the same thing.

Superman's 'S' or a Viper from Battlestar Galactica.

My range is limited to say the least.

So I'm doodling this afternoon in the weekly HOD meeting and we're discussing this and that, all related to the hotel and the business for next week.

We briefly touch upon the recent employee survey that we have carried out, as have all the hotels in the group.

Out of 190 employee's there is maybe three people who have not done it and the LONDON GUY comes out with a doozee.

Thats right, Binky, a doozee.

The sage wisdom he offers in terms of a solution to completing the last three surveys is to ''fabricate them''.

The asshole.

Shall we commit fraud at the same time?

I just rolled my eyes and continued to doodle, smiling to myself.

I walked through Albert Square, passing by the little European market that comes to Manchester every year.

I weaved in and out of the stalls, passed the crafts and mulled wine only to stop by a confectioners stand.

I wasn't interested in the sweets, but more the man making them.

He was a big, bolshy guy.

Dressed in an apron,kneading some dough with huge hands.

His smile was warm and mischevious, his voice gently melodic as he spoke to a colleague.

And the I saw the earring and my interest in him grew slightly.

I could imagine kissing those big full lips and taking in his ruddy cheeks in my hands as I did so.

Slowly undressing him and getting lost in every kiss.

As I watched him work a small woman came over handing him a coffee and she kissed him tendrely on the cheek.

The wife.

I moved along, hoping hat she appreciated such a fine. fine thing.

So today is a big day for those of us who 'garden uphill'.

Gay marriage.

How far have we come since the Stonewall riots of the sixties?

And for the record,

Screw the Catholic Church.

Screw the bigots and the rascists.

Screw the small minded idiots I pass by each day.

We're equal now.

It's the law.

Deal with it.