So I travelled down to home tonight as I am going away for a few days with Jason on a fishing trip in Weymouth.

Heh. Home.

Funny how I automatically use that term.

This is anything but.

I am at my folks place.

Yep, thats better.

What I am trying to say is, this is not the house I grew up in.

I have no attachment to it, no memories, nothing.

In fact, if the truth were to be told, there never was a childhood home.

We moved ten times during my childhood.

You heard right, Binky, ten

My form tutor always wrote my address in pencil because he knew it would change.

I don't feel overly comfortable here, I can't relax like I can in the house in Manchester.

It's the house where they now live.

If I think back to when I did live at home I get a little upset.

They were not overly happy times.

I'm not going to go into any detail, I know there are plenty of people who had it a lot worse than I ever did.

I used to have so much anger in me but this has slowly dissipated over the years.

At one point I achieved a kind of Zen attitude to my parents in terms of they were just people like you and I , doing the best they could under the circumstances.

But that wasn't true. They could have done better.

Maybe I have it backwards.

Maybe the reason I feel uncomfortable here is not because I think myself so different from them, but because deep down I am afraid that I am exactly like them.

Shit.

Nah, I wouldn't let that be true.

For what comes naturally to some people I have to continually work at and I won't ever stop 'til I get it right.

Anyway.

It's 02.03 am and time for bed.

I'm sitting in the BOSSES chair looking out onto central Manchester, observing from on high the drag queens, the twinks, the bears, the leather queens, the professionals,the bull dykes, the lipstick lesbians and every other permutation of gay life walk on by.

Manchester is in the pink this weekend.

Mardi Gras has come around again.

Last year I pretty much missed it, except for a couple of nights hanging out at the OutPost with nobody in particular.

We had the Chairman in the hotel that weekend so he was the focus.

This year, I volunteered to work.

Whoah! Calm down Binkster, I'll explain.

I had swapped a couple of Duty Manager weekends so I could have some time in London with G.

Also, with G being away on holiday, I don't feel like going.

I would want to go with him so we could experience it together.

Believe me, there is no greater expression of pride in being gay than the powerful feeling of love I have for him.

And I don't need to go on a parade for the whole world to see it.

For the uninitiated, this is the story so far.

DC Comics - the home of Superman, Batman, WonderWoman and the rest of their masked vigilantes such as the Green Lantern, Aquaman, The Atom and many many more had a problem.

The universe in which these guys existed was getting too big, too full, too complex,too convuluted.

The DCU(universe)was not just a single universe, it was a 'multiverse' with lots of different parallel earth's, all slightly different.

For example, the Superman,Batman and Wonder Woman of the 'golden age' - the second world war era up to the sixties- existed on Earth 2, and the modern day Superman existed on Earth 1.

It was a mess.

So back in 1986 (I know,I was there) they staged a year long event called The Crisis On Infinite Earths.

Hero's lived,Hero's died and the DCU was never the same again.

It was reborn with a streamline continuity.

One Earth.

One universe.

One Superman.

The idea of having a year long event such as this was incredibly successfull and has been copied a few times since by both DC and Marvel, the home of Spiderman, X-Men,Captain America...

Aw come on Binky!! You knew that, right?

About a year ago DC had another one called Infinite Crisis and it was , not to put too finer point on it, a pile of shit.

One of the characters from COIE tried to re-esteablish the multiverse but of course failed.

And while I was initially excited by this limited series,I was left with the feeling of ''so what?''.

But.

A series came out of this called '52'.

It takes it's name from DC's intention to publish the comic weekly instead of monthly.

And this is no mean feat.

I can only guess at the logistics needed to do this, the artists, inkers, colourists.

Not to mention the writers.

And so far, I have to say, DC has delivered.

Fifteen weeks into the series they haven't missed a shipping day.

Which is pretty impressive.

No, it's really impressive!

And the story is pretty good too, I won't bore you with details.

Suffice it to say it takes place in a world where Superman,Batman and Wonder Woman are taking a year out to find themselves after the 'crisis' and in the process, smaller hero's are getting the spotlight.

Where DC got it so wrong with Infinite Crisis they have got it so right with this series.

And power to 'em.

I'll be around 'til issue 52 to see how it pans out.

Comics,man...

They ain't just for kids anymore.

Standing with Paul in the Reception of the hotel, he turns to me.

''I'm well impressed with my pay last week.I got loads.'' he says, a little excited.

''Why?'' I ask a little cautiously.

He pulls out the payslip and before I even have to look at the breakdown of monies on the inside I see my name on the outside.

''Paul, thats my payslip''

He looks at me and then looks at it.

Yep, it's mine alright.

His face falls.

I smile.

Well, it is funny.

So I can pop back to last weekend and be with G all over again.

I love him.

I guess it was going to happen at some point.

And now it has.

My Mother called me Friday night, I could hear a little excitement in her voice.

She told how -via FriendsReunited- my stepfather's son from his first marriage had got in touch.

This is after twenty eight years.

Just before Jason was born.

I remember Simon.

When we were all children and our parents were going through divorces I remember us all playing together at my mothers house in Lichfield.

'Us' would be my older brother Mark, Simon and his sister Rebecca and myself.

As we played I think we were -to an extent- oblivious to the fighting that was going on around us. Only now as I think back do I remember.

He was an okay kid as I recall.

When my mother told me on Friday night I failed to feel excited.

Hell, I failed to feel anything.

There's a lot of bad feeling between my stepfather and I, and I sometimes get a little frustrated that everybody else in the family has such short memories.

If I am truthful- and I can be here - I have no particular desire to see Simon again.

Nothing personal, I'm sure he's a great guy and all that but he's going to put his father on a kind of pedestal.

And as long as it doesn't impact on my relationship with Jason they can all carry on regardless.

I'll just stand quietly at the back of the room and slowly move toward the door.

Metaphorically speaking.

''Hello?''

''Tobi it's me'' I begin ''Now I know I bollocked you in the meeting and frankly your just going to have to get over that but -''

I pause,taking a deep breath.

I'm feeling a little guilty for hauling this guys ass over the coals in the bi-weekly team meeting.

But it was justified.

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

A week earlier he had 'misposted' £9k to a guest bill. He had texted me that he thought he had made a mistake. When I walked into the hotel the next day, everybody was mystified as to why the revenue had increased by nearly £10K for no apparent reason.

But I knew.

I had to explain it to the BOSS.

And then after this huge fucking faux pas he hadn't bothered with some crucial procedurial stuff.

So I was a little mad.

''-you understand why don't you?''I finished.

''Yes I do'' he replied 'I'm sorry, I tend to be saying sorry a lot lately''

''What I'm trying to say is, it was deserved, but now lets move on. Your actually doing a really good job. Your a good lad.''

''Okay, I'm very sorry. I won't do it again''

''I know you won't. Now enjoy the rest of your day off.''

''I will. Bye.''

CLICK

''Regis has an announcement'' I said to the rest of the team.

Heads turned in his direction, he had the floor.

''Well...'' he began in his french accent, a little nervous ''I have been offered and accepted a job in Brussells''

''Your leaving ???'' said a suprised Johanna, in her Canadian accent.

Cosmopolitan, my team is.

Canadian, French, Spanish,Indian and English.

We could work for Benetton.

''No frickin' way!!'' concluded Johanna.

Yep, she's Canadian.

Regis.

We have worked together for two years.

Worked together,laughed together, drank together.

He's the only guy I know who can keep up with me when it comes to the ol' Juice.

When he told me two days prior to the meeting , he was shaking, nervous as hell.

Afraid I would be a little angry.

I smiled at him,not betraying my inner disapointment that I would be losing a valued colleague and more importantly, a valued friend.

I asked if it felt right, if he was making the right decision.

He said he was, that this was the right move for him and Samantha, his girlfriend.

How could I be angry?

After the meeting we all got chatting back in the office about sending him off in style.

And as we talked and joked, I saw him get a little upset.

His eyes were wet and lip was shaking.

He had to leave the office for a moment, to go and compose himself.

I don't think he realised how well liked he was.

Forgive me,how well liked he is.

I'll miss him, for sure.

I don't know how to say no.

I just can't do it.

And in some way, I should.

I'm in London, it's a Friday and everything is right with the world.

I arrived the night before, G meeting me at the station with a hug and kiss.

Both are gratefully recieved and make my heart soar.

It's Friday and I'm in London with the man who I am in love with and who loves me.

We have tickets to a show that night and we are just wandering through the west end, a late lunch appointment with two of his friends.

My phone beeps, a text message.

Hello it's me.can you lend me 150 or 200 if you like I need to tax the car. Don't tell Jase love Mom.

Jase is my brother.

Why I cannot tell him I do not know as I probably will at some point.

When we have one of our conversations about how concerned we are about our mother and his father.

Well,my concern goes as far as our mother.

No further.

Shit, £200 quid.

I should say no.

This is happening every two weeks, every time I get paid.

It ranges from £50 - £100, this is the highest so far.

And it's not like they don't have money, both my mother and my stepfather work.

They just can't manage it.

I should say no, I should give them some bullshit and stop the dependency.

But I don't.

I haven't got the heart.

I just rearrange my finances in my head to accommadate them.

As usual.

I just don't know how to say no.

Do you?

Now this may sound pretty damn stupid.

So bear with me.

I used to get really tired at work.

Come mid afternoon, after lunch, I would get a little dozy, find it hard to concentrate and generally feel lethargic.

I would fight with this feeling and it would usually pass in an hour or so.

And then around four o'clock I would get a second wind and want to party.

But recently, this has all changed.

I am awake, alert for the whole day and probably a heck load more productive for it.

And the only change I can think of is an obscure one.

I stopped using poppers.

One night I just decided they were not doing it for me anymore and just screwed the little back cap back on and put them back in the bedside drawer.

I know, it's dumb right?

But I have made no change in diet or routine or anything except that.

Go figure.

It's late.

I'm in my room and the rest of the house is empty, my room is filled with the sounds of Urban Hymm's.

And I'm feeling kinda emotional.

To give the above statement some context, I am not a very emotional person.

Sure I feel it, but I have been taught to not express it, to bury it and just well, get on with life.

Which is generally what I do.

No fuss, no drama. Just get on with it.

So what am I feeling tonight?

I'm a little scared, I have this secret fear that the happiness I have found with my new boyfriend will be short lived.

And I don't want that.

I really do not want that.

I want this one to last the distance, right to the end of the line.

He's that special to me.

Whatever I have to do, I'll do.

And I know he feels the same.

He is an amzing guy.

You'd like him.

It was a good night.

Sitting on a wall at the Longford roundabout, my head banging and my throat like a desert tells me it was a good night.

Hell, ask my liver.

When it sobers up.

Barbecue at the brothers that turned into a party.

THe whole night was one of fun and laughter.

I have a dim memory of falling backward over a chair,spilling my beer all over myself.

Then collapsing into a mountain of giggles.

As usual I had to drink more than anybody else, I had to prove that I'm as good as the straight guys.

I may be a poof,but I can drink anybody under the table.

Silly I know.

I don't remember going to bed - bed for me was collapsing on top of my parents bed as they were in Spain.

But I remember being awoken by the alarm early Sunday morning to catch a lift back to Manchester with my Dad and stepmom.

I know they were talking to me in the car, I know I grunted responses but the details are lost on me.

But the best part is getting to hang out with my brother.

He's a great guy and I love him alot.

Yep, it was good night.

''If you think I'm taking the piss just say''I started.

I was standing in front of THE BOSS. It was late afternoon and he was winding down.He would be leaving for a few days vacation very soon.

''But what are the chances of getting another long weekend?'' I concluded.

He looked up at me, a faint smile on his lips '' Another one?''

I nodded.

He looked over to Ms Jones, his erstwhile P.A.

''What do you think Ms Jones?''

She looked over at me and at him smiling.

''In all fairness, Neil is covering the Bank holiday weekend''said Ms Jones.

Good old Ms Jones,always coming to my rescue.

She's a darling.

''And this will be the last one. At least for a while.'' I said.

He giggled ''What until next month?''

I said nothing. He would probably be right.

''Yeah no problem.'' he finally put me out of my misery.

It was official.

I would get to spend another wonderful weekend with the man I love.

Thanks to THE BOSS.

Monogamy.

It's a word that strikes fear into the hearts of millions of gay men.

Just go look at the guys who are hanging out on Eurwoof or BearWWW. A great deal of them are partnered but play, or are in an open relationship.

They want their cake and to eat it.

But not me.

I am, for the first time in years embracing monogamy.

After years of pleasing myself.

Of sucking,fucking and moving on.

And I love it.

I am loving every second of it.

We discussed in Greenwich park during a very sunny Sunday afternoon. We sat under a tree as the children played, the couples held hands and families walked.

Even the birds were singing.

Before we got into such a discussion we stole a kiss in front of them all.

''If you choose to have sex with somebody else'' I said '' then please don't tell me. I don't want to know. It's between you and your conciencse''.

And he looked at me with those beutiful brown eyes and said that he wouldn't.

That he didn't want to.

And I believe him.

I love him.

And I trust him like I have never trusted anything else in my life.